LESSONS

there are times when i feel like the psych ward may be the only place to handle the inner workings of my brain and heart. i honestly feel crazy sometimes… now would be one of those times. i figure maybe writing will calm my anxious heart. and maybe other people feel crazy sometimes too…

God is ruler of my life, right? i want him to be, but i think more often then i would like to admit, people rule my life, my thoughts, my emotions… i want so much for people to like me, and i’m so afraid that they won’t that i either close myself off or try too hard (then worry that i come off obnoxious, and thus close myself off out of embarrassment). neither of these approaches reflect the “me” that God created, the “me” that he is transforming.  why do i care so much what people think? why does it affect me sooo much when i think i haven’t been the person that some other human wants me to be. shouldn’t i just want to be the person that God wants me to be? shouldn’t that be what keeps me up at night? and what distracts me and stirs my emotions?

i think part of the reason why i care so much about what people think, is because i care so much about people. i love people! …and i believe that is a good thing. i believe that is a God thing. HOWEVER, i don’t want to need people…

i was finishing up Mere Christianity today, and C.S. Lewis was talking about the “new man.” in describing the characteristics of this “new man,” transformed by God, he says that such a person is one who loves people more and more, and needs them less and less. i pray that Jesus will help me lay down my need for people, as well as my desire to be needed.  Jesus is who we all need. i want him to tell me who i am. i want to chill out and stop trying to control my life. i want to stop dwelling on what is out of my hands. somehow, i need to forget about myself, focus on my God, get to know who he is, and stop spending any more sleepless moments worrying about me. help me Lord, because i have no idea how to get there…