LESSONS

people talk about “being humbled” in a way that makes it seem like this gentle, lovely, ah-ha moment. but often, i think being truly humbled feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. it feels really awful before any hint of “lovely” comes around. for me last week, to “be humbled” seemed like a nice way of saying “i am humiliated.”

i am prideful. and because of that, admitting it doesn’t feel so great.  but it’s true. i am not the hero, God is.  i am not amazing, God is. He uses me, He gives me gifts and abilities… why do i pride myself on things that are not mine? God doesn’t need me. and i know that i would tell you that, were you to ask me… “of course God doesn’t need me! i need him! and yet somehow he wants me, and can use a failure like me.” that is pretty amazing, and i think i really do believe that and am thankful for it. but then something happens… and you realize you haven’t been living according to that belief. and that’s when the wind gets knocked out of you.  

this whole thing is so hard to explain. here’s a picture from my mind to yours… in the midst of this lesson, i journaled this:

it’s like God comes and gently grabs my shoulder to stop me on the path i’ve been moving down.  He then slowly turns me toward Himself, a hand resting on each shoulder. (i think it’s odd that i needed to be turned, i hadn’t realized…) as i stand frozen with my eyes on the ground, my Jesus takes one hand off my shoulder, rests it under my chin, and lifts my face to His. my eyes, unable to adjust to the beauty of the love in His face, remain wide when open, but blinking often.  then God says to me in a gentle whisper, ‘Hey Lex, I love you… but I don’t need you, so please stop.  I want to use you, but I don’t need to and I’m not going to in every situation.  I may use someone else, or a book, a song, My Word.  That shouldn’t make you feel bad because it’s not about you, it’s about Me. Don’t feel defeated when you say the wrong thing, or don’t know what to say, or can’t fix something.  Be confident in the fact that I can! Lexie, the world does not need you, they need Me. And so do you. The world will let you down… let Me tell you you are special.’ with these words i fall to the ground as though i have been kicked there. chest is tight, air is difficult. i scramble to my knees and with a trembling in my voice and tears of pain soaking my face, i address the King of kings.  ’Lord was I acting like that? Like the world needs me? Like You need me? I was. I was. Please forgive me.’

the beautiful thing is… He will. of course this did not actually happen.  i wrote this as a way of processing what God was teaching me. it helped me express what i was feeling and feel the great love of God in the midst of His discipline. 

because of Easter, because of the book i’m reading, because of alot of things, REDEMPTION has been on my mind lately.  and what all of this stuff, this whole post, really comes down to who my redeemer is. am i looking to find my identity in my skills and abilities, or in who my friends and people around me say i am? or is my identity in Jesus, and am i looking to him to tell me who i am? i struggle greatly with comparing myself to others… but i don’t think it’s just my struggle. it’s a problem of humanity. and it’s where pride so easily overcomes us… when in this game of comparisons, we deem ourself better than someone else. because of this “great struggle,” it makes sense that we were created to be told who we are by someone other than ourselves, as opposite as that is from society’s rule. so here’s the great thing about redemption… Jesus as REDEEMER means, we are saved from the thing that separates of from God, and freed to come back into relationship with the One who is supposed to tell you who you are.  not based on any standard, comparison, or rule. so, while learning you suck, sucks… it’s also kind of awesome :)